The Devil's Circle
How often do we set out on a new course, only to eventually find out that we’ve traveled in a circle? Today I wake up, and it’s a new day. A new chance to do whatever it is I’ve been putting off for days or weeks or years. Of course, once I finally get the monkey off my back and call my friend back or program the next chunk of game development or learn that next speedrun strategy, it’s simply on to the next day, where everything again looks pretty much the same as it did yesterday.
Cyclical processes are knit into us as humans. It makes sense - I mean the Earth spins around every day. That’s actually what a day is, I guess. While that cycle keeps happening over and over again, the Earth also cycles around the Sun, a larger cycle of repetition. While that’s happening, I think the entire milky way galaxy is also moving, though that’s a cycle we’ll never see the conclusion of. I don’t know enough about space to say more about it, but that’s life.
Blaise Pascal, who was some guy, once said, “All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” At least Google tells me he said that. The longer you live the more and more ‘facts’ you used to ‘know’ reveal themselves to have been bull shit, so who knows for sure. But let’s say that he did say that.
I see some wisdom in this. It’s hard to simply exist, because we have urges and desires. As soon as I wake up, I’m off and running to satisfy one desire or another. First up is generally coffee. Attachments related to consumption are all cyclical, however. You will always want coffee. I have probably consumed coffee every single day for over 20 years now.
Speaking of coffee, I recently read The Stranger, and its author, Albert Camus, is quoted as asking, “Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?”. I think one of the ideas of The Stranger was that nothing really mattered in our absurd world, and because of that, one action was just as valid as another. I didn’t enjoy the book that much to be honest, but hey, I’m not a philosopher.
I also recently read Living with the Devil by Stephen Batchelor. This book I enjoyed a lot more. It was about the things that stand in the way of our ability, as humans, to ‘be good’.
The connection I see between these two works is the line between indifference and equanimity. In The Stranger, the main character is indifferent to just about everything - the death of his mother, the delinquent behaviors of his friends, his relationship with his girlfriend, his own trial for murder, and ultimately his own impending death. He approaches these things with a marked detachment that leads us to believe that he, the main character, is the stranger in this world. I am sure many of us have felt that we were the stranger, observing the stupidity happening on planet Earth and wondering, “is anyone else seeing this shit?” I suspect I would have liked this book a lot more when I was 22, than today when I am 36. That probably reads like a criticism of the book, but I think it has more to do with who I am today, versus who I was then. Today, I do think day-to-day life matters a lot. I’m not as nihilistic as I used to be. But, I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with being nihilistic as fuck.
In Living with the Devil, there is less indifference and more equanimity. The book itself is an analysis of how the Buddha (and others, but I will mostly discuss the Buddha) conceptualized The Devil, from a secular author’s vantage point. In it, the author recounts how the Buddha described The Devil, whom he named Mara. Mara in Pali / Sanskrit means “the killer”.
The Buddha thought Mara was the desperate longing for a world that is comprehensible, manageable, and safe. Of course, that’s not the world we live in. When indifference appears in this book, it’s not the indifference of humans, it is the indifference of the world itself. The world isn’t comprehensible, nor manageable, nor safe. It is utterly indifferent to humans, just like it was indifferent to dinosaurs, just like it was indifferent to the beings who lived through the other great extinctions that have happened since Earth has existed. You’re going to die, and it could happen at any time. We all know it. The Buddha saw that knowledge as leading to attachments and longing, which led to suffering.
Like my desire for coffee or my game development progress or my speedrunning achievements, an attachment or longing is what moves you in a circle. Am I satisfied now that I have multiple video game world records? No, not really. I feel pretty much the same as I did before I held those titles. Is my appetite for cake gone since I ate cake last night? Nope - I want cake again today. Funfetti mother fuckers. My blood bleeds red dye 40.
Does this mean you shouldn’t drink coffee or make video games or speedrun? No, I don’t think it does. Truthfully, I’m not sure what it means. But, that’s life.
